.wow.

Today was the loneliest day of my life. My soul ached. My body cried. My mind, confused. There is nobody here to confide in. Nobody here to lean on. Nobody here to really express how i am feeling. I wish i was with my family. Where did i go wrong? Where could i have changed the path that i am now upon? Did i take the wrong turn at the fork in the road? Why did i think the way i did? I am tired of just living to live. Just getting by. I'm caving in. This is both good and bad. Please let this also be good. I feel unworthy of anything. Part of me feels like not going on. Not in a life-ending kind of though process. I'm just tired of this way of living. I don't want to just get by. Life is so much more. I was meant for so much more. Please, please, please restore me. The weight of my past feels too strong. Attached to permanently. Lord please restore me. Lord please forgive me. I don't know what i'm doing. I thought i knew the way. I thought i knew how to get by - but i don't. I know that i know that i know that you are The Way. Lord, let me feel the weight of your LOVE. It is what i need right now. You know what i need right now. Let me forget about what i have done.
- I must:
*be happy to be alive
*dive into the word, the way, the life
*keep my head up
*don't get down on myself - the Lord knows me, I am His son, His dearly loved

plant(ing)

You can't plant grace.
Even if you like the thought of it.
You can't put it in the ground.
It won't grow.
You can't purchase it - no matter how "rich" you are.

It's a gift.

There is no "working on it".
It's free - it was given - we must receive.
I'm working on receiving it.
I do think it's a process... ?

some stuff

"Too fast to live, too young to die." don't want this to be me. i see this on too many gravestones and below pictures of young, fast livers.

I met a man named Charlie today. He's 41 years of age, plus the 9 months he was in his mother's womb. a little older than i am. almost twice my age. I am sitting at this computer, my computer, at barnes and noble, at a table located by the family and childcare section of books. Charlie is in the reserve here in phoenix. this was a Godmeeting. he lives a mile away from me here. invited me to church to interact with "my-agers". sounds good, i'll give it a try. Charlie wants to mountain bike sometime. sounds fun.

I was sitting outside on the bench for a little while. Next to an older woman. It smelled like she pooped herself. I went back inside.

significant?

adventure is great. i just love it. ya i do. i love the people that love it almost as much as i love it itself. which is why i tend to swing with these people. the problem with this is not that we lack vision. we have some great visions and goals. but we have too many of them. these people are scattered. we were once in the same spot (eastcoast), dreaming together. it was great. we were young. we are young. well not that young. we age every day. now, i am scattered from these people. the only thing we shared was the yearning for adventure. this is natural, i'm sure of it. we were created for adventure. for pleasure. however, there is a thin line. i'm no longer with these people of the shared vision. it lacked preparation. it lacked solidarity. like building a house on the sand, it just won't stand. this is where the confusion stands in the way of the purpose. where is the purpose now? i'm left with this question alone. i've had this question. no real, solid answers. that is debatable. too many clouds. i'm in a state of suspension. just hanging. but searching. and i will never give up on this search. morning. day. night. the tug on my soul. my heart. and trying to intertwine it with the thoughts in my mind. i don't want my mind to get in the way of my heart, but it does. my heart has taken the passenger seat.
i've learned a lot in the past four years of wandering. i've grown in some areas. i've slid back in some areas. i've been all over the place. so much so, that i feel as if i have no home to go to. i want to be with (insert name here, you know who you are). i want to share life. i want to drink coffee and read with my mom. i want to go eat wings with my dad. i want to play music with my brothers and take my sister out on a dinner date.
1 thing i've heard and i'm learning is that there is no distance to LOVE. this is what brings me to believe in God. i cannot see love, but it is what connects us. there is no body part to love. it can't be seen under a microscope, but it's there. i can feel it. you can feel it. GOD IS THERE.
this time of loneliness i will use as preparation because i am not alone. do i feel alone? yes.
when i feel alone, i run. this time i can't. i want to. to go where i know i will be soon. but i must be prepared. He's here.

phoeniX

was always told this. never really took it to heart or for what it was and who it was coming from. nothing makes you miss the ones you love more than distance. a good distance. not just a "well, i miss, so i'll stop at the gas station, be there in a half an hour" kind of distance. i'm 1100 miles away from the place i grew up. no plans were made to come here, it was shock induced. was it a stupid decision? i'm not quite sure right now. i don't think it was stupid, but just not smart?./ it is overcast in the valley today. a chili 77. i'm drinking iced coffee, 3 pumps white mocha, with a smither, yes a smither, i don't know what it's short for, but a smither of soy milk. the mix of music, books, coffee drink, and the taste of this plastic straw is confusing. i bought a sticker, another sticker, to put on my computer. it's green - has an eagle on it, with a pick in his afro. i just got a text.
I didn't think i would miss my family this much. It's funny how much i didn't listen. I know they only want the best for me, but there's only so much they can do. Yes i can look for guidance and direction, but it is no longer chaperoned by my parents. I'm on my own right now. Days are lonely. Missing - people. Relationships. Nothing here to build on really. I had one contact coming out here. I miss mom. I miss dad. I miss my siblings. I miss my friends. The people that desire to do life with me. The people that care about me. Why do I/we do the things I/we hate? Sometimes even subconsciously. But this is what makes me realize and understand how much i am in need of my saviour. I'm in need of his touch, his hugs, his hand-holding. This life is confusing for me. I didn't think i would be where i am now. I'm confused.
They say home is where the heart is. Well they are right. I want to meet them. My heart was created for relationship. My heart was created and wounded for LOVE. for TRUTH. I want to be with my family (anyone/everyone/iwanttodolifewith)...
I now have an eagle sticker, an IHOP sticker, an "i love big dumps sticker", a cow sticker, and a Jedidiah sticker.
I talked with my sister today. I love the sound of her voice. She's growing up too fast. Getting married in a month.
We are no longer kids. Life is fast --------